A very sad story

[justontime]

We are in a very sad situation, my mother in law has smoked for all her adult life and has never been willing to even try to give up or to reduce the amount she smoked. I know it is very hard to give up, but I wish she had tried. Now she is in a terrible state she is only just over 60 and she has two serious medical conditions that are directly related to her smoking. She knows that she cannot live long like this and she is so sad. She is missing out on so much, she can't enjoy her grandchildren, in fact she can't even go out anymore. Now she wishes so much that she had listened to all the warnings when there was still time.

[SageMother]

We are in a very sad situation, my mother in law has smoked for all her adult life and has never been willing to even try to give up or to reduce the amount she smoked. I know it is very hard to give up, but I wish she had tried. Now she is in a terrible state she is only just over 60 and she has two serious medical conditions that are directly related to her smoking. She knows that she cannot live long like this and she is so sad. She is missing out on so much, she can't enjoy her grandchildren, in fact she can't even go out anymore. Now she wishes so much that she had listened to all the warnings when there was still time.

Although this is very sad and your mother-in -law is struggling with end of life issues, this is something we will all go through, whether it is due to smoking or some other condition, like simple old age/

What are those around her doing to make her final days or years fun? Those quality of life issues are most important for everyone involved.

[tater03]

I am so sorry to hear about your Mother in law. I can only imagine what her and your family are now going through. I will say that when it comes to smoking it is an addiction like anything else and is not easy to beat. My Father just had a minor stroke behind the eye and has had a heart attack and he still continues to smoke. He has honestly tried to quit but has been unsuccessful so far.

[Kitten]

I'm really sorry to hear this. Hopefully you all try to focus on other aspects of her life and not so much on what her smoking habits have done. It was her choice, and even though it's disappointing and saddening, I'm sure....it'll help everyone if you can possibly move past some of it and remember the rest of who she is.

[trick-r-treat]

It is very sad, but I have to say that unfortunately, I can somewhat relate. I smoked for 25 years. I quit and haven't smoked for over 7 years now. But, I do have to say that occasionally I still have cravings. And even though I know that I am going to die someday, if the doctor were to tell me right now that I only had a certain amount of time to live, I would do just that! I would smoke and drink to my heart's content until the end. Unless, of course, there was a chance I could survive. I think we all will secretly know if we feel that we have something we can beat. Then, I would fight it with every breath! That may sound very contradictory, and it probably is, but I just know the peace that cigarettes can give you.

[justjoy]

We all send love and light to your mother-in-law, you and your family. I agree with SageMother, that she is now dealing with end of life issues. The primary issue here is not how she's reached this stage, but how 2 live with dignity and grace for whatever time she has left.

I also hope that you and your family will have the strength (I know you will), to be present for her, to enjoy her and to help her enjoy her life now.

[justontime]

We all send love and light to your mother-in-law, you and your family. I agree with SageMother, that she is now dealing with end of life issues. The primary issue here is not how she's reached this stage, but how 2 live with dignity and grace for whatever time she has left.

I don't criticise my mother in law, what's done is done. I was trying to explain how badly she feels about it herself and how desperately she regrets smoking now. My father in law is very supportive, other than that she only has me and my children as her son (my husband) died of cancer when he was 38. Sadly I am all to familiar with end of life issues. We give her lots of love and support, but there is precious little dignity or grace in her present situation.

[justjoy]

JustOnTime,

I am so sorry if my previous post read as if I thought you were critisizing your mom-in-law. I certainly wouldn't think that. It is obvious that you are supporting her and being present for her.

I think I was trying to get across that for her, there is no room for guilt now - there's no point to it. For however long she has with you and her son and her grandchildren, that time is the absolute most important thing that all of you have.

Again, I'm sorry if I hurt you or indicated anything other than my complete support of what your family is going through right now.

Joy

[justontime]

Joy, thank you so much for your post, I hadn't taken offence at your words but I appreciate your comments. I was trying to explain that people like my mother in law probably became addicted to nicotine before the messages about the health dangers were as widely understood as they are now, and when the evidence became impossible to ignore she couldn't or wouldn't give up. It doesn't really matter which of those it was, most of us think things will never happen to us. Perhaps she thought she would give up one day. What I really wanted people to understand was that by the time the symptoms became noticeable it was too late and when faced with the grim reality of the diagnosis most of us, like my mother in law would realise how precious life is. On a personal level, my children have already lost their father (her son) and I am sad for them as well as for my mother in law that their grandma is unable to play an active part in their lives. Life has many twists and turns and we will all deal with this because that is the way it is, but it doesn't remove the regrets especially for my mother in law.

[KyleMyers]

I'm afraid to say these things happen, whether through smoking related illnesses, another form of disease or old age. We all make choices in our life that lead us on these paths and it's how we deal with them that defines us. Make the time she has left fun and memorable, do what she wants to do and spend as much time with her as you can. That's all you can do. There is no sense looking back at the past and regretting descisions, it's too late.