Codependency

[tater03]

I wanted to hear your thought on this topic? I have to say that it took me years to realize that my codependency and my Mom's codependency concerning my Father's alcoholism was almost a disease in and of itself. I mean this in the way we had to learn a whole new way to deal with his addiction and how to deal with it in our everyday life. Did anyone struggle with this?

[steppysteph]

Hi, can you elaborate more what codependency means? Does it mean that one of your parents is the "enabler" of the other and don't help the partner stop the problem?

[SageMother]

Years ago, Gloria Steinam said something to the affect that a codependant or enabler is just a well socialized woman.

I think the concept of codependency is truly a disservice to those who are coping the only way they know how.

[tater03]

What I mean basically by codependency as I understand it is making it easier for the person who is addicted to keep using and not face responsibility. Example would be my Mom constantly trying to hide the problem of my Father's drinking from the family or people around us. I mean it would be quite obvious that he was drunk but she would turn a blind eye and act like nothing was going on. I think I have heard her say "No, he hasn't been drinking" so many times. Now it isn't that way way. He has stopped for quite some time now and we are praying that he will stay on the right track. But if he does fall of the wagon which has happened she doesn't pretend and we as a family now all know that there is a problem and it is not a deep dark secret anymore.

[Green-Moo]

Tater, I'm glad to hear that both your mother and your father are on the way to recovery. To my mind, codependancy also includes encouraging someone (not necessarily deliberately) to abuse in order that they can 'care for' them.

[Mickie31]

Right I think I understand what you are saying. Its funny you say this because my husbands parents are both alcoholics and every time we see them they are getting worse. My husband thinks they only drink every evening because this is the lie they told him and he believes it. I spoke to my husbands mother in law the other day and she sounded drunk. She rang the wrong number thinking it was her daughter. Then she was like too over jolly. When I asked how things were she turned round and said they were great and the way she was saying things was like really too sarcastic. She said it was wonderful how we were keeping in touch when the last time we saw them was at our yearly visit at Christmas and then only for about an hour. The only reason I was speaking to her now was because she had rang the wrong number.

When I told my husband that I thought she was drunk he didn't really believe me. I think it is easier for him to deny rather than admit his parents are dying. You may think it is drastic to say they are dying, but I think they will die of alcohol related illness. Every time we see them which gets less and less usually once a year they get yellower and yellower. Their skin is sunken and they look much older than they should. Their liver is going to give up one day sooner or later. They have been drinking for too many years and I cannot see them giving up. Obviously I hope and pray they will, but it is doubtful.

[steppysteph]

Yes I think it is a difficult position for the kids to have parents who are alcoholics and who don't even try to save each other. The children will have a difficult time growing up because it's as if they lost both parents and wouldn't have guidance even from 1 parent.

[Green-Moo]

sometimes denying that someone has a problem is easier than admitting it, because once you've admitted it to yourself you have to decide whether or not you want to intervene. When it's a child and a parent, that represents a power shift which can be difficult to imagine.

[Serenity]

sometimes denying that someone has a problem is easier than admitting it, because once you've admitted it to yourself you have to decide whether or not you want to intervene. When it's a child and a parent, that represents a power shift which can be difficult to imagine.

Green-Moo makes a good point. When you bring it up, there's no going back. Mickie, maybe your husband doesn't want to have that responsibility and I don't blame him. It's a very stressful thing to cope with. What if he decided he needed to take care of them and wanted to move them in with you or something like that? Once you intervene, even with the best of intentions, you need to be prepared to accept the consequences of that. It's not as simple as saying "you have a problem" then stepping back to let them deal with it. Once that particular can of worms is open, you're in amongst it from there onwards.

I was married to an alcoholic and for over a decade I hid his problem from my family and his and our friends, telling myself I could live with it because he was never violent. Why...I don't know, I guess I was ashamed that my life wasn't perfect. Many times he promised me he'd stop, make a token effort to humor me more than anything and not. I made myself very sick with the strain of it all, having to put on a happy face for the world.

My ex refused to really acknowledge he did have a problem with alcohol right up until I left him after eighteen years together. So even if he or you both plucked up the courage to broach the subject with your husband's parents, it may well get thrown back in your face.The hardest part is not you turning the spotlight on it, even though you're taking the very real risk that they would rather cut you out of their life than admit it was true. It's getting them to actually face they have a problem. I wouldn't fault anyone for choosing not to confront someone.

Years ago, Gloria Steinam said something to the affect that a codependant or enabler is just a well socialized woman.

I think the concept of codependency is truly a disservice to those who are coping the only way they know how.

It is, SageMother, I agree. We all just do what we can to get through and unless someone's been in the situation, I feel it's hard for them to appreciate the complexities of it.

[trick-r-treat]

I know I was a co-dependent to my ex-husband. I know now that that is how drug addicts are able to do what they do and just live their carefree lives without worrying about who they hurt. There will always be someone, somewhere who cares about them, and they will just wear that person down because they know that person loves them and only wants them to be ok. And the co-dependency part comes in when that person then has to live their lives around what this sick person might need.